What It's like to be British :)

[Cleoriff]

I saw this, it made me laugh so here goes ....

What It's Like To Be British

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again

Pretty accurate really

[jonsie]

I think someone was shadowing me for a week....

[Cleoriff]

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@jonsie wrote:

I think someone was shadowing me for a week....

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[Glory1]

Oh @Cleoriff roared with laughter and like @Bambino have lived here so long, am guilty of the majority and without a doubt have picked up the traits, to go with the accent I've also acquired.

Thank you so much for this. Am waiting for the men in the white coats my new neighbour has no doubt ordered hearing me laughing insanely at both your post and @Bambino's Wednesday laugh.

[Cleoriff]

I keep looking at it @Glory1  and found a couple more that are typical of me

"Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

“You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

As for the customs one....even if you haven't got '3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat' in your luggage, why the hell do they look at you as if you have?

[jonsie]

And

I may have a physical disability but I sill have a brain.

[Glory1]

Yep, both I'm definitely guilty of @Cleoriff .

As for Customs, I haven't travelled in quite a few years but still remember how I felt and totally agree with you. As I walked through each time, I was fully expecting a tap on the shoulder, and I'd done nothing, had no contraband etc but could still the eyes drilling into my back 

[Anonymous]

thank you @Cleoriff ...  ... & ... yes, I'm very British & do most of what you've posted