Joke Thread

[MI5]

I couldn't remember if there is a joke thread on here or not, so I'll stick these in (move if necessary)....

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies  to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's  birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so  she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing  dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me  anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind;  but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on  the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare  graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around  combination, and it's actually on sale this week for  £44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can  tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take  it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card  drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he  says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the  card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but  then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly  who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says,  "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this  and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for  £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish  Bait is £3.50

[perksie]

"Would you like to supersize that?"

"No thanks."

"Ok sir. Can I take your name?"

"Stephen. With a 'ph'."

"Great."

pic.twitter.com/AkawNyl2uu

[perksie]

Let's eat Grandma!

Let's eat, Grandma!

Commas save lives.

[perksie]

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

DOUGLAS ADAMS

[perksie]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS!

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

[perksie]

Pinot ‏@pinot

When you can't find your phone, draw it https://vine.co/v/h0dOAdQ5MB6

[perksie]

On their wedding night, the young bride Jodie approached her new husband Marvin and asked for £20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his condition and state, Marvin readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find Marvin in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that Cal Trans was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, Jodie handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly £1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over £2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex. These holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over £3 million, Marvin was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[jonsie]

A bit too close to home that one my friend......

[Cleoriff]

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@jonsie wrote:

A bit too close to home that one my friend......

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Not now...with RBS messing up...

[perksie]

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

[Anonymous]

what a great thread this is