Joke Thread

[MI5]

I couldn't remember if there is a joke thread on here or not, so I'll stick these in (move if necessary)....

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies  to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's  birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so  she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing  dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me  anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind;  but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on  the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare  graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around  combination, and it's actually on sale this week for  £44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can  tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take  it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card  drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he  says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the  card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but  then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly  who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says,  "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this  and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for  £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish  Bait is £3.50

[perksie]

Right I have to have a go at this and I love Jewish humour so here goes:

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

[perksie]

Rather like this one too:

Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

[perksie]

If anyone can stand more:

Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

[ewanrw]

How do you know when someone has an iPhone 5?

They'll tell you!

ewan

[perksie]

[ComaChameleon]

"I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP.""

[Anonymous]

From the Gordon Ramsey 'cooking-joke' book:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: 'Cause no-one **bleep** cooked it!!!

[perksie]

An old one but just as true now, posted by jonsie on Facebook:

R.I.P. Common Sense ~ Obituary in the London Times a while ago....

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair, and
Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy being charged with sexual harassment for kissing a female classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and when a Teacher was fired for reprimanding unruly students… only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents verbally attacked & sued teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their rude, unruly & out of control children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Churches became businesses; and when courts became more concerned about the convicted criminal’s rights and the convicts began to receive better treatment than the victims of their crimes.

Common Sense took a beating when one could be prosecuted for defending yourself from a burglar in your own home; and the yet burglar could sue you for assault.

He finally went into a coma after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge out-of-court settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
and by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility
and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his five (5) stepbrothers:
I Know my Rights;
I Want It Now;
It’s not my Fault;
But I’m a Victim and
The Government Owes it to Me (AKA What About Me?).

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

[Anonymous]

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?





Ten tickles