Joke Thread

[MI5]

I couldn't remember if there is a joke thread on here or not, so I'll stick these in (move if necessary)....

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies  to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's  birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so  she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing  dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me  anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind;  but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on  the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare  graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around  combination, and it's actually on sale this week for  £44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can  tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take  it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card  drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he  says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the  card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but  then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly  who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says,  "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this  and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for  £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish  Bait is £3.50

[perksie]

Schrodinger pulled over by the police to search car boot: "Sir, there's a dead body in here".

Schrodinger: "There is now!"

[anticpated]

A neutron walks into a bar. The barman greets them. The neutron asks for a drink of his finest wine. How much he asks? For you Sir, no charge.

[Bambino]

 For The Texting People Amongst Us

From a teacher -- short and to the point

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

[perksie]

ROFL!!!!!

[jonsie]

I'm pleading ignorance

[Anonymous]

a man walks into a chip shop with a massive salmon under his arm. " do you make fish cakes ? " he asks.
" of course we do sir! " came the reply.

" good, can you make him one, it's his birthday! "

bad doom!

[perksie]

Groan!!

[perksie]

Stuff you should keep to yourself:

Jenna Marbles ‏@FunnyJokeBook

Not having a thigh gap saved my phone from falling in the toilet.

[Anonymous]

what's got 4 legs and fly's?






a dead dog!!!

[perksie]

Does anyone like card tricks, here's a nice one to puzzle your friends: