Joke Thread

[MI5]

I couldn't remember if there is a joke thread on here or not, so I'll stick these in (move if necessary)....

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies  to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's  birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so  she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing  dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me  anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind;  but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on  the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare  graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around  combination, and it's actually on sale this week for  £44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can  tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take  it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card  drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he  says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the  card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but  then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly  who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says,  "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this  and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for  £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish  Bait is £3.50

[Anonymous]

Whoops I misread this thread thought it was about Android.

Me bad.

[perksie]

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@Anonymous wrote:
Whoops I misread this thread thought it was about Android.

Me bad.

---

Pardon, are you lost?

[Anonymous]

Must be !!

[perksie]

[perksie]

New security settings for Facebook:

http://grahamcluley.com/2013/06/facebook-new-privacy-settings/

[Anonymous]

^^ loving that one!!

[Anonymous]

This ones quite funny!! (Couldn't resist!) Sorry!

http://community.o2.co.uk/t5/Discussions-Feedback/O2-s-Daylight-Robbery-FTAO-Their-Staff/td-p/479418

[Anonymous]

Just read that thread for the first time - I am still trying to stop crying

[perksie]

The Duck is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..



The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Anonymous]

This one's probably rubbish but I'm going to post it anyway.

Why was Sleeping Beauty waiting outside the photo booth?

She was hoping that some day her prints would come!

Boom Boom!

Erm, yeh *gets coat*