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If Technology teaches us anything...
Sometimes, the tried and tested ways are best.
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Extracts from the The Complete Uxbridge English Dictionary - Comprehensively Reviled:
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
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Brilliant @pgn 
As I have a weird sense of humour, I found 4, 5, 9, 11 and 12 particularly funny. 😂
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An Admiral who lost one of his ears in an accident and was very sensitive about his appearance was interviewing a Navy Master Chief, an Aviation Master Chief and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal
staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered,
"Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn't help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I imagine this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered,
"Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with a Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.
The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, "Yes sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how would you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: "Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear!”
👂
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A farmer was in court, suing the trucking company whose truck had injured him in an accident, and was on the stand with the company's lawyer questioning him, trying to disprove the merits of his claim.
"Mister Brown," the lawyer said, "after the crash, did you not tell the responding officer that you were – and I quote – fine?"
"Well," said the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."
"Sir, please answer the question,” interrupted the lawyer. “Did you or did you not say you were fine?"
"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."
"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer *you were fine*?”
The farmer turned to the judge and said, "Your honor, I’m tryin’ to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."
The judge said, "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."
The farmer thanked him and began, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer.
As we crossed an intersection this juggernaut blew past the stop sign and smashed into us. My truck and trailer split in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule was thrown into the other and the juggernaut just kept going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He said to me, sir, I’m terribly sorry. Your mule was badly injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. How are you?”
The farmer looked at the judge and asked, “Now after that, your honor, what would you have said to the trooper?“
🤔🤣
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