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If Technology teaches us anything...
Sometimes, the tried and tested ways are best.
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An alien vessel landed quietly in Saint Peter's square in Rome one sunny day.
A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared.
They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.
After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?” exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. “Of course we do! He visits our planet every five years or so. Awesome fellow!"
A hush descended on the audience chamber and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.
"Every five years?" he shouted. "We've been waiting over 2000years, and we're still waiting for his second coming!"
"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate,” suggested the alien.
"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien, “when he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate.
Why, what did you do?"
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One sunny day, this fly was buzzing about over a lake. In the lake beneath the buzzy fly was a fish. The fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could leap up and eat that fly."
Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear saw the fish, just beneath the surface of the lake, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then finally the fly.
He thought to himself, "If the fly came down 6 inches, that fish would leap up for it and I could catch that fish!".
Little did the bear know a hunter was lurking in the shadows. He had his sights set on the bear.
He saw the bear staring at the water where the fish swam, and noticed the fish, and then the fly. He thought to himself, "Man! If that fly over there came down 6 inches the fish would leap to eat the fly, that bear will try to catch the fish and I’ll be able to bag the bear!"
While the hunter kept his sights locked onto the bear, waiting for his moment, his lunchtime cheese sandwich sat unattended in the lunchbox he had carelessly left ajar, attracting the attention of a nearby mouse.
The mouse furtively glanced at the hunter to look for an opening, saw the hunter setting his sights on the bear, who was in turn transfixed by the fish. The mouse noticed the fly buzzing above the fish and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would leap up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, and the hunter would go after the bear! Then I could nab this tasty-smelling sandwich.”
The mouse, pondering such a gourmet meal, had not noticed the cat hiding above him in a tree.
The cat crouched down, ready to pounce, watching the mouse watch the hunter, the hunter watching the bear, the bear watching the fish, and the fish watching the fly, and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would leap into the air to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would go for the bear, the mouse would try and steal the sandwich, and I can catch me a mouse!".
A few minutes passed, and the fly dropped 6 inches. The fish immediately jumped out of the water towards the fly.
The bear lunged out from behind the bush and tried to grab the fish.
BAM! The hunter shot the bear, and ran in to confirm his kill.
The mouse made a mad dash for the sandwich.
The cat, crouching low, pounced at the mouse, missed by an inch and landed in the lake with a splash.
Moral of the story?
When a fly comes down 6 inches a pussy gets wet.
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The UK Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A90 near Laurencekirk.
There was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Highways agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of lorry kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Lorry."
😖🤣
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A truckload of Worcestershire sauce was being driven through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collided with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careened down the road and hit a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.
One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, had a myocardial infarction.
A bystander witnessed the entire event and quickly called to report the accident on his Huawei.
The emergency operator asked the bystander, "What happened?"
"It's hard to say."
😖
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A doctor was addressing a large audience at an Oxford symposium.
“The foodstuffs we introduce into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago.
- Red meat is full of steroids and dye.
- Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
- Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
- High transfat diets can be disastrous.
None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."
"But there’s one thing that’s more dangerous to all of us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet an old man in the front row raised his hand and said, "Wedding cake.”
😂
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I found a small chocolate in my pocket after laundry.
It was Lindt.
Hang on… They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with hazelnuts and chocolate.
They believe it's the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher!
No, wait… I got myself a hazelnut and chocolate sports car.
It's a Ferrari Rocher!
Okay, okay, one more… I bought a Mars, a MilkyWay, and a Galaxy, and the prices were astronomical!
Did I get any snickers?
🤣
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There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.
The zebra got out of the trailer and saw a huge field with lush, green grass, a hill, trees and strange animals.
One of them was a weird-looking brown thing so she ran up to it and said,"Hi! I'm a zebra, what are you?” “I'm a cow,” it answered.
“Right, and what do you do?" asked the zebra.
"I make milk for the farmer," said the cow.
“Cool,” remarked the zebra and then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it.
"Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?”
“I’m a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do?" asked the zebra.
“I make eggs for the farmer,” said the chicken.
“Righto, great, see you around,” answered the zebra and then saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes.
She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra, what are you?"
“I am a stallion," it said.
“Wow – what do you do?" the zebra asked.
The stallion smiled and said, “Take off your pyjamas, darling, and I'll show you."
