topic Re: Joke Thread in Off-Topic

Joke Thread

MI5 — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 20:28:15 GMT

I couldn't remember if there is a joke thread on here or not, so I'll stick these in (move if necessary)....

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for £44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get £58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is £11, and the Fish Bait is £3.50

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:48:14 GMT

Right I have to have a go at this and I love Jewish humour so here goes:

A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Thu, 20 Sep 2012 23:53:17 GMT

Rather like this one too:

Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 00:28:39 GMT

If anyone can stand more:

Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From here it's just a local call."

Re: Joke Thread

ewanrw — Fri, 21 Sep 2012 13:35:36 GMT

How do you know when someone has an iPhone 5?

They'll tell you!

ewan

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Sun, 05 May 2013 23:31:53 GMT

Re: Joke Thread

ComaChameleon — Mon, 06 May 2013 00:34:10 GMT

"I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."
The man continued, "I work for 7-UP.""

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Wed, 08 May 2013 09:11:33 GMT

From the Gordon Ramsey 'cooking-joke' book:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: 'Cause no-one **bleep** cooked it!!!

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Sun, 02 Jun 2013 12:34:52 GMT

An old one but just as true now, posted by jonsie on Facebook:

R.I.P. Common Sense ~ Obituary in the London Times a while ago....

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn’t always fair, and
Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a 6-year-old boy being charged with sexual harassment for kissing a female classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and when a Teacher was fired for reprimanding unruly students… only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents verbally attacked & sued teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their rude, unruly & out of control children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Churches became businesses; and when courts became more concerned about the convicted criminal’s rights and the convicts began to receive better treatment than the victims of their crimes.

Common Sense took a beating when one could be prosecuted for defending yourself from a burglar in your own home; and the yet burglar could sue you for assault.

He finally went into a coma after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge out-of-court settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust;
and by his wife, Discretion;
by his daughter, Responsibility
and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his five (5) stepbrothers:
I Know my Rights;
I Want It Now;
It’s not my Fault;
But I’m a Victim and
The Government Owes it to Me (AKA What About Me?).

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 09:20:53 GMT

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

Ten tickles

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:23:45 GMT

Whoops I misread this thread thought it was about Android.

Me bad.

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:27:18 GMT

@Anonymous wrote:
Whoops I misread this thread thought it was about Android.

Me bad.

Pardon, are you lost?

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:35:44 GMT

Must be !!

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:38:23 GMT

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:07:48 GMT

New security settings for Facebook:

http://grahamcluley.com/2013/06/facebook-new-privacy-settings/

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:09:25 GMT

^^ loving that one!!

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 11:11:07 GMT

This ones quite funny!! (Couldn't resist!) Sorry!

http://community.o2.co.uk/t5/Discussions-Feedback/O2-s-Daylight-Robbery-FTAO-Their-Staff/td-p/479418

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Jun 2013 12:20:15 GMT

Just read that thread for the first time - I am still trying to stop crying

Re: Joke Thread

perksie — Fri, 12 Jul 2013 23:52:09 GMT

The Duck is Dead!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Re: Joke Thread

Anonymous — Sat, 13 Jul 2013 15:02:28 GMT

This one's probably rubbish but I'm going to post it anyway.

Why was Sleeping Beauty waiting outside the photo booth?

She was hoping that some day her prints would come!

Boom Boom!

Erm, yeh *gets coat*